greenxyzcannonball: (Default)
I hate how I keep getting reminded of how completely insignificant I am in the universe. I mean, I know I have about as much impact as a dust speck, but it sucks to be continually reminded. I have no job. Of the three friends I had in town, one is across the state, one has dropped off the radar (which is kinda worrying), and one is not responding to texts. I haven't tried calling her because I know she's busy with a job and with family issues, but I haven't heard from her in over a month. Her brother was supposed to meet me for dinner one night, ended up cancelling and I haven't heard from him either.
So I spent this fourth of July at home squabbling with mom and not setting anything on fire. In other words, it sucked.
I hate not having a job because it means I have no reason to get up. I have no room to work in my room because of all the junk I've collected over the years, and dad hates the house being a mess. I'm kinda looking forward to their vacation (not mine) because for a few days I can spread out and do as I please. That probably won't include any visitors, since all my friends are out of contact and I got dumped at the beginning of summer. I haven't even gotten my essay back from the study abroad yet, but that's partly my fault as I didn't send it until June 25th.
I hate my life right now. I'm gaining weight because I almost never leave the house as I'm broke, and it's too hot to walk anywhere. Going somewhere would just cost money anyway. It's like my trip to Paris existed just to throw sharper relief on how much life would suck here in J-ville.
I'm thinking about taking up horseback riding again. I was too scared last time to really throw myself into it. Now that I realize how little I am regarded, who'd be around to care if I got thrown off and slammed my head into a fence post? or broke a bone or vertebrae? No one.
I can't wait until I get back to Gainesville. I need the regimentation. Gym three, possibly five mornings a week, and class the other two. I honestly don't want to live anymore but one has to keep up appearances, don't they?
greenxyzcannonball: (Default)
yeah so it's official now. I suck at life. I need a 3.0 to get the money from national merit and bright futures. my gpa is now 2.88 due to the fact I fucking failed calculus. Because, of course, I blew it on the exam. I did worse than almost any other exam I'd taken this semester despite studying almost every day since April 27. Hoorah! I suck! I blow giant monkey chunks! See, it's not math anxiety, I was almost perfectly calm the whole time- I just really suck. oh why oh why don't I take this lovely shiny razor blade and cut a nice vertical line up the inside of both forearms? because I'm a fucking loser, that's why. And a big fat fucking coward. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get in a horrific car accident and die. I don't want to drive tomorrow because I'm pretty sure I'd try to drive off a bridge or into a pole or something. I'd like to care but the truth is I'm too fucking stupid to accomplish that, or anything else. Maybe I should go to the ghetto and start calling random black people "nigger" and see how long it takes before someone decides to pop a cap in me. or maybe I could just beat my head against a wall until I black out. either way, fun times I'm sure.
greenxyzcannonball: (Default)
Could someone please explain to me: why does my roommate finds it necessary to wake up just before my alarm goes off on one of the few mornings I can sleep until 9:30 and she turns on all the lights? Why does she feel that it is necessary to bring her boyfriend over this morning when he was just here last night? Why does she feel the need to openly discuss that they are going to St. Augustine and the beach? Why does she have to mention that she and her sister are going to London and it the Year of Shakespeare so all of his plays will be performed this summer? Why haven't I seriously devised a plan for her demise? (oh wait, that's because I hear the food in prison sucks.) Why does she feel it necessary to rub all this nice lovely stuff that I want in my face? Why does she get to take bullshit classes and pass without studying more than once every two weeks, when I have to kill myself to barely pass most of my classes? Why is possession of unprescribed narcotics illegal? Why is it that I never have time to do anything fun? Why is it that I have to work at home this summer when Scott's staying here and I'm not the one undergoing surgery (unless they decide to cut out my wisdom teeth)? Why is it that I can't just make up my mind to be a happy fucking productive member of society or tell everyone to fuck off and just finish it for once and all? Why is it that my parents don't have the decency to call me so I don't worry that the Italian mafia killed them or that the plane crashed? Why does life always suck and is never any fun? Why do I have to be so damn fat? Why does every day have to feel like being dragged over cobblestones in the cold rain?

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greenxyzcannonball

September 2012

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